Physically and mentally this was what I experienced:
- I had no power left. Carrying a laundry basket up the stairs was impossible. Even carrying my own son upstairs when he was tired, was too much. I had no strength, no energy.
- My son had to be taken to school and even though there were two of us, my husband couldn’t always help. So, I did it myself. Exhausted, often just in my pajamas, boots on top, a thick coat and a hat, i brought him to school. This to mask that I just rolled out of bed.
- Excessive sweating while doing the bare minimum. As if I had run a marathon. My body showed in every imaginable way that I was burned out.
- Making simple decisions, like “What are we going to eat?” “Who’s going to pick up the little one?” failed me. It was as if my head was full of cotton balls.
- Going to the store, visiting public places. That was a disaster! I was having a panic attack just thinking about it, let alone doing it. Oh no….
- Doing something with friends. “Fun” I thought. “Will be relaxing.” No, it wasn’t. Because I was pretending to be better than I actually felt. I tried too hard to accommodate everyone in the best possible way. Often I caught myself going to the kitchen to avoid talking because I simply couldn’t handle all those stimuli. And then when I listened to what they had to say, it didn’t work either. My attention was completely scattered. I was there, but mentally it was as if I were on another planet.
- I forgot all sorts of things, couldn’t concentrate. Reading a book, re-reading the same line 10 times because I just didn’t grasp what it said.
- I didn’t want to do anything. If only everyone could just leave me in peace. Sleeping, lots of sleep. I slept for hours during the day. Catching up, because at night I was wide awake, fretting and worrying about all sort of things, and I just couldn’t get to sleep. And those micro naps during the day made me feel drowsy and didn’t help me recuperate either.